More than a Diagnosis

I can’t claim to have many answers about many things.

What I know is that our Friend Kat, had one amazing Girl.  Shea was, everything she could be.  We all need some help in this life.  Whether it was a wicked ADHD: or in fact bipolar-it seems that at this point?  We honor Shea best by supporting Kat, remembering Shea how Kat wants her remembered.  Happy, vibrant, and beautiful.  All of that she is, was, and always will be.  In our memories, my own, and anyone we tell about this amazing young woman.

Because Shea was MORE than “someone who had bipolar disorder.”  Or someone who had “schizoaffective disorder.”

She was a biker chick.  She was, she IS someone’s CHILD.  And has left this earth to God.  And for any parent to outlive a child, is not an experience you get over.  And Kat has handled this with grace, dignity and respect to everyone else: let’s honor Shea this year by giving back to Kat.  Let’s make ourselves healthy.  I am yanking crap where I look sick, depressed, or just well, sick.  Because that stuff needs to be private.  Or something you show to your doc if you are not going in often for whatever reason?  Circumstances, availability of appointments, or lack of time, energy or whatever the reason.

But nevertheless, it isn’t easy to say, log onto facebook (I have closed my main account but am out there: hiding from most of it: why?  I want to go back to days when people shared stuff like what will soon be posted on my profile: positive stuff: working PT; cutting up at swimsuit models at 3am when I can’t sleep…laughing at the fact that my dad opens my fridge to “see what I have.”

Expecting what?  That because I have availed myself of my states legal marijuana law to take it only as medication for pain control?  Well, welcome to 2012, Dad.  This is a millenium, and you are in it.  Not the information put out in 1940 which he clearly reads.  So he gives me money and any time?  I take it to my top notch dispensary: on principle.  No: I am clearly not a rebellious teenager.  He is standing in my way of getting well, so get out of my way and stop showing up unannounced.  See, my problem, to be honest?  Jealousy, plain and simple.  Maybe I am too honest sometimes, but I adore Kat, and owe our friendship enough that I don’t think I can be too unclear here:

She has more love for any human being under one fingernail than my entire family (both parents come from very large family: well, I call them DNA at this point because the intrusiveness?  I screen calls, and don’t answer my door?  It is sick, and I am grateful that Shea had never to deal with that.  She grew up protected.  But nevertheless, our bodies can betray us, creully in many ways.  But sometimes, we can, if we work, and work hard, do thing that Kat taught her daughter:

Manners.

That life and suffering isn’t public.  Some matters should be kept private.

Things like Big Bird are funny.

Art and music are cool.

And it’s okay to cry.  Be vulnerable.

Around my DNA, I can’t be.  Kat’s friendship is so dear to me: I learn more from her than I have just about anyone.  I am making some cool friends: and I know some of them are struggling too: but you know, I better than ever understand some of really both their pain.  Because Shea’s story is my own.  And I hope that Kat is okay with how it’s told.

Because the tragedy needs to stop.  The same agency that was supposed to be “taking care” of her?  Is about as effective as pain management in the area of the country that I live in. It’s determined by your credit rating, and largely a joke?  With CRPS?  And then taking one treatment I had hope for?  And making it out of reach.  Well, turns out it was for the best.  Funny how that works out: they did me a favor and don’t know it.

And it’s funny: but really?  How many have people who show up unannounced to check up on a very functional 38 year old?  What do people expect to find.  I am not any different than anyone else.  Quite tiresome, really.  And gets in my way.  So lets inspire one another and this year?

Oh, memories: let us hear them.  Goregous girl?  She had to give you a few gray hairs Kat!  Come on, tell me, tell us.  Share her!  She is so beautiful I want to know her better.  The best part, because in all of her pictures, with you?

Her smiles were the biggest.  I love you hon, you made it one year, and I know it’s sucked.  No other way to put it really.  So hon, if it’s cool: I know you miss your angel that slept with an angel?  But let us hear about that pretty vibrant girl you love so much.  Do you think it would help?  I know it helps to, under the right circumstances, talk about little Ally, and I had an artist friend photo me, then take a baby picture?  Hon, it is so beautiful!!!  When I can, I will send a picture.  But I love you, thank you for the love, the support, and unconditional acceptance.

And reminding me that really, some things need to be left under wraps.  Save it for an email on a rainy day.  Or make it rain for someone else if they make you mad: but be constructive.

Love to all, prayers to Kat and Shea: and thanks to all on the Friendship.

JJ

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