Avoiding What What is Horribly Inevitable
Posted by Jenn on May 29, 2012 at 4:40 PM
I have seen it over and over-when a young person (guess you’re out of that game Kat, but heck I feel 90. I bet Shea would understand how that feels. And if she can tell me that, and do so without hurting-hey, she was the absolute 100% the right mother for Shea. She saw that her baby was sick, and tried to help her get well again-did everything she knew how; but Shea was a gentle soul, and the bipolar is a powerful enemy for her and maybe, just maybe-I don’t believe she hurt herself, but having it is totally exhausting and I did recover from it, and it was physically exhausting (kinda like the RSD), and like Kat says how Shea used to sleep for days.
It’s like being in pain-sucking it out of yourself. Plus I had the DNA group crawling into my business. But even though I am in contact with them-it is sparingly. I came across the coolest Psalm:
“Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness; thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me and hear my prayer.”
“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty…I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust…Surely he shall deliver thee from thine enemy and from any evil befalling you. He shall cover thee with his feathers and under his wings shalt thou trust: under His wings his truth shall be thy shield and buckler…..Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked8. Because thou hast made the Lord which is my refuge, even the most high thy habitation9…..For he shall give his “angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy dwelling11
Psalms 91:1-4, 8, 9, & 11
Shea’s life was not without meaning-nor was her suffering-none of pain is…I think it’s part of God’s plan. When the monitors were screeching Dr. Heffron turned off the heart monitor, quietly noted the time, and shoed everyone out-my mother included, thank God!
Unbeknownst to me, he kept me a few extra days than normal-heck, I was so very young-what lead to the pregnancy and the pregnancy and pre-term/pre-viable state, but because she had a reflexive respiratory rate, and what is known as an “agonal” which means she had a heartbeat here and there, and after 23 minutes, she was finally declared gone. I too, felt like I had lost something of myself, and I will treasure the time with Ally even after she was gone.. I told them, “no heroics” and not because she certainly would have suffered, and I already knew suffering-I was already in agonizing physical pain when I stopped the wimpy T-3’s they periodically gave me but her pregnancy seemed to trigger some kind of pain-not RSD, but hypersensitive to touch. Same thing with Ryan.
But giving up a child to adoption is far different than it is to lose one to dying. There really isn’t anything anyone that can say or do-except listen, and open their arms… Now the pain of losing Ally will never ever go away, you learn to cope and tolerate-for me, it was knowing that Ryan is happy and healthy and in a good home where he can realize his full potential-he’s a bright child (albeit angry with me, I know it’s normal.
All I can say, I am always grateful for my time with my kids-and I know Ally, who would be a vibrant young woman, The meaning of Allyson’s name is “vibrant.” She is my vibrant star,,,
Just as Shea is “The Grace of My Heart.”
Even when a child gets to be old enough to make their own way in the world; you will (provided-and I certainly know you do!!!!) grieve their absence: but you know for the most part, they are likely happy, healthy, and maybe found their “soul mate,” Maybe that might have happened for Shea someday-but like you say, she only got sicker. Likely due to on/off meds, But that is bipolar-I speak from both sides.
Let me know what you think of the page I added. If you like, when I am able, I can continue to add to it, bit by bit.
All my love. I have an 18 year anniversary-and I think my RSD flare is reminding me.. But if you unconsciously don’t remember-your body will remind you. You have friends to learn it’s okay to be human and not “Superwoman.” You know what I mean.
I love you always, I wish I could take your pain-some of it-but RSD is it’s own beast. but like n Ecclesiastes-a time and purpose (even if you don’t yet understant0or ever do what it is).
All my love to yak sweetie! Wish I could afford one of them iPhones, so we could email/text easier, but for that price, a laptop is a better investment, eh? Well we always catch up when the time is right.